Fumbling Towards Absolution
by Chi Shiro
Summary: The motivations of a spark in mourning are very rarely clear. With Jack's help Arcee mourns Cliffjumper.


Title: Fumbling Towards Absolution

Author: Chi Shiro

Verse: Prime

Rating: T

Warnings: Mentions of canon character deaths, family relations

Pairings/Characters: Arcee/Cliffjumper

Notes: Not Mine!

Summary: Motivations of a spark.

Words: 979

Prompt: Arcee/Cliffjumper: stability

OoOoOo

"What's it like?" Jack Darby's head snapped up at the sound of a very familiar voice as it cut through his concentration on the screen in front of him. He ignored Miko's exuberant cheers as his car crashed into a wall, leaving her the winner of their latest rematch, in favor of looking over at the Bot leaning against the wall. At the quirk of his brow she elaborated on her question. "What's it like being an only child?"

He gave a small start, eying his partner in wonder. "You aren't?"

"I... it felt like it some days, but no, I wasn't." Arcee gave a slight shrug. "I was sparked not too long before the very beginning of the war. Youngest of three, all femmes. Our creators were both soldiers and we lost them early on. Elita, our eldest, tried her best but..."

"Single mom trying to raise kids in a war zone. I think I can empathize with that." He gave her a sad smile, wondering what had brought this on. "You want to... I don't know, talk about it?"

"I..." She paused long enough to make him wonder if she would continue on. "I was just thinking. Sitting here, watching you play that silly game you all seem to love so much. Thinking about family, which made me think about Cliffjumper. He would have loved you. He would have probably taken you racing every weekend no matter how often I threatened to dismantle him if you got hurt."

Jack got it now. Cliffjumper. It would be a year tomorrow that the red Autobot had passed. And while Jack had never met him, he did have a strange fondness for the 'Bot. He had made Arcee happy, and that made him alright in Jack's book.

"He got me through a lot. After I was reassigned, it was thought best that I no longer serve with Elita and Chromia, he and Tailgate sat around with me. They never said a word, but they didn't need to. A true friend is one you can sit in silence with.

"Then Tailgate." Her vents hitched so sharply he wondered if it hurt. "He held me while I worked it out, screaming about the unfairness of Primus, taking pot shots at him. Cliffjumper could be a good guy if he needed to be."

Jack fiddled awkwardly with the remote still in his hands. He could feel Miko pressing against his side in awe, the girl being quiet and still for what was possibly the first time in her life. Somewhere on the periphery of this he knew Bumblebee was shepherding Raf away, and Optimus was laying a calming hand on Ratchet's shoulder. This was something for him, but it was also for them. Something a family worked through together.

"He," Jack swallowed thickly, knowing something without really knowing, "must have been a great guy. Bulkhead was telling us how funny he could be. And about the time you chased him around the base with one of Ratchet's wrenches because he switched the solvent in the cleaning chamber with pink dye."

"Pink isn't really my color," she gave a weak chuckle, but he could see the spark of mirth coming back into her optics.

"You must have really loved him." He stared down at the controller again, feeling stupid for even saying that. Of course Arcee had loved Cliffjumper. You would have to be very thick to miss that.

"You humans have a saying, what was it? 'Speak and unburden the soul'? I suppose I need to unburden my spark. Tomorrow he'll have been gone for one of your years. Don't give me that look," she scolded him without any real bite to her tone, "I know you know that. He's been gone and I think I've been mourning for myself more than I have for him. Mourning for lost possibilities."

Jack dropped the controller unto the faded fabric of the couch, angry that she would say something like that. Think so badly of herself. The Arcee he knew was only selfish when it came to guarding what she considered hers. What she was saying now sounded predatory, more the thoughts of Arachnid than his 'Cee. "Don't say thing like that. You're just..."

"Upset? Yes, there is that. But not for the right reasons, Jack. Cliffjumper loved me, and I liked him well enough. He had these grand plans of what we would do after the war was over. Rebuild our home. Settle down. Bond. Maybe have a newspark or two. Give our offspring the younglinghoods we missed out on. It was nice. It was safe. And it was something I could hold onto, a dream that brought me hope."

"Hope is a thing with feathers." Jack wasn't sure where that had come from. Some ghost of an English assignment he was sure. He cleared his throat, stepping closer to her as he did so, and tried again. "There's nothing wrong with wanting something permanent in your life. Something you can count on. And if you really were just settling on him because you thought you had no other option you wouldn't feel so guilty about it."

She gave him a look he couldn't quite nail down; hope mixed with fear and sprinkled with shame. Like she didn't believe him...but she wanted to. She held out her hand and he stepped forward to take it. The others had ceased to exist for them in this moment. "I did love him, yes. In the only way I knew how. And I wanted it as much for him as I did for me."

"I know, 'Cee," he gave her hand a squeeze. No judgement, just comfort. He knew she needed this. "I know."


End file.
